I sat in front of my manager for my performance review...
Manager: Hi, can you tell me your top two accomplishments last year?
Me: First big accomplishment - i survived the last round of layoffs and am still here.
Second One: I survived despite my utter lack of any accomplishments.
Manager: wait, you are saying, you are saying that you survived despite lack of any major accomplishments, so that means you dont have any accomplishments?
Me: That itself is my major accomplishment, so strictly speaking yes i do have accomplishments.
Manager: Ok, any work related accomplishments? for example, did you play a pivotal role in any big project? did you ensure that your work helped the team deliver the project ahead of the deadline? something like that...
Me: I made sure i did not interfere unnecessarily in the project's proceedings... by that i ensured that the project is delivered on time.. my interference would only have created issues .. so in effect i showed that i am a team player and not an individual driven by selfish personal goals.....so please add this also in my accomplishments - showed immense team player skills to ensure project delivery ahead of schedule.
Manager: So you are saying that by displaying a negative and passive attitude, you affected the project in a positive way....
Me: Sir, we are a results driven company and answerable to our shareholders.. our shareholders would not ask our CFO if the company ensured that i worked or not... it will only ask why this major project got delayed... so with that in mind, i made sure i am answerable to our shareholders like any true employee.
Manager: Ok, any areas of improvement you would like to mention?
Me: Yes, i am not good at multi-tasking.... all my instant messengers like skype, MSN, yahoo messenger and gtalk are open at the same time, plus add on to that the regular work....i am unable to respond to some friends requests because of my lack of multi tasking skills... so i need to improve upon that...
Manager: you are not supposed to chat while working. this is something that will go against you in your performance review..
Me: Ok, from now on i will ensure that i wont work while i chat and vice versa.. i will make a time table where i will pencil down 4 hrs for chatting and 4 hours for work... this will help me to follow your suggestion that i should not chat while working.
Manager: ok, what are your long term plans?
Me: to be employed in this company long term and avail of all the perks and benefits this company has to offer - be it free coffee or coke, or pencils and pens, post-its and printouts, staplers and clips, subsidised lunches and 8 hrs a day in A/C.
Manager: you have anything to say?
Me: nothing, i need to get back to my cubicle asap to prepare my timetable as we discussed... thank you.
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Excellent post and I laughed loudly...
ReplyDelete~ Ashwin
Ha ha ha ha ha ... good one.
ReplyDeleteI will prepare a video skid on this and post it on Youtube
Our Manager asked our team to do an evaluation of him and wanted us to be as "constructive" as possible. We met as a team and came up with 10 crtieria we'd evaluate him on, ratings for each criteria(1-5) and comments under each one. I sent this over to him after we reached a consensus.
ReplyDeleteManager: I need to talk to you about my eval
Me: Ok..
Manager: I dont agree with my ratings on items 2,3,4. I think I should get a 4 atleast, if not 5 and you guys gave me 3. Those items are related to the company's inefficiencies rather than mine
Me: Ok, I agree...but our thought was that one of Manager's responsibilities is to manage upwards as well
Manager: yeah, well, the upper management sucks and it's not my fault
Me: Ok...I'll talk to the team about those items
Manager: Also? I dont agree with my ratings on 5,6,7,8
Me: what about those items?
Manager: Item 5: Listening skills, my listening skills are great. Item 6: Team building: My team building skills are great, I organize team lunches every other week Item 7:Leadership skills, mine are awesome and Item 8: Crisis management, I am great in a crisis!
Me: But this is what the team agreed on
Manager: This is not "constructive"
Me: umm..ok, I'll get back to the team on those as well.
Manager: Thanks! Btw, you guys evaluated me great on items 1 and 10
Me: (thinking) yeah, sure, we gave you a 4 on those, you idiot!
Manager: All I want to make sure is your feedback is constructive, that's all.
Me: Of course, I understand
NOTE: This is real and happened in my office not too long ago!
I cannot believe it happened.... but then, truth is stranger than fiction.. so i believe this can happen...
ReplyDeletebuddy why is snooker not in ur list of perks?
ReplyDelete